Woke up from my afternoon nap. Summer is coming. It’s hot. Fill a glass with water. Open the freezer. Vapor drifts off the ice tray as I pick it up. How long does it take for ice to melt in this weather?
A choice is coming. If I’m not ready for it, it will decide itself. It happens every day — so many invisible choices and alternative futures. There are only two choices here, “yes” or “no,” but they are overwhelming me.
This way: get married and have a kid, maybe two. Life changes completely, gets much more complicated, possibly much more rewarding.
I want that eventually, but I don’t feel ready for it. My heart is not pulling me there. Is my gut feeling right, or is it just fear? Can I make myself want it?
The other way: more years of single life and the freedom to think mainly about myself and go where I want. Time to prepare and build security and certainty. Maybe years of loneliness. I might find out that I missed the best person and the best opportunity. The choice might not come again.
I’m lucky to even have the privilege to decide “now” or “later.” For women, the deadline comes sooner. If I choose “no,” I might lose my best future, and a woman I care about could lose her choice forever. If I choose “yes,” I give up the life I know before, it seems, having really understood it.
Adult decisions are difficult!